WARNING _ 3 LONG POSTS AHEAD>>>BUT WORTH THE TIME

Backstory: It is no secret that I tend to be transparent and honest, and usually say exactly what I am thinking. And this journey for me will be no exception. I have done, and will continue to do the inner work that has been necessary for me to arrive at where I am now. It is important to share this part of me, because it has affected me deeply and gave me something I did not know I needed.

Last fall, I celebrated my 50th birthday. Honestly, the getting older part doesn’t really bother me. I have, for the most part, taken really great care of myself. I exercise, eat right (mostly - and in some cases not enough), and have let go of things and relationships that, for one reason or another, no longer served me and my personal well being. Sure, I was, at the time, beginning to experience the signs and symptoms of an aging body, but with that has come a LOT of wisdom, that has taken some time to process.

OK…we are getting older…here we go.

Fast forward to me needing a hysterectomy and complications and illness and a car accident and HOLY COW…the changes that CLOBBERED my physical body were, and are, currently acting like a runaway freight train. Hot flashes, weight gain, mood changes on STEROIDS. Cue the existential crisis. Who am I? Trying to process this new body I no longer recognize in the mirror, and wrestling with my diminished capacity for high impact, high intensity exercise really took a toll on my psyche. Especially for someone who leads others in the fitness industry. I am an instructor, after all. Shouldn’t I look the part? Are people secretly judging me?

It literally feels like someone else took control of my body and mind and there was nothing I could do to stop it. And, this is a totally different rant….but why aren’t women warned about how much of an upheaval this can be? The most I heart about menopause AKA “The Change” was hot flashes. It was just a taboo subject. Hell, there are commercials for feminine hygiene everywhere you look, and pills for “male enhancement’, but we cannot talk about menopause?? I am calling it out. Thankfully, I see more conversation about this….and more needs to be had about Women’s health…but like I said….another rant…another time.

Anyway,

I have spent so much mental bandwidth on that lately. It was starting to affect other areas of my life. I didn’t want to be seen. I shied away from enjoying activities with family and friends. My confidence was wrecked, but I continued to push through and process all of these complex emotions, and ‘get through’ the physical changes and the true physical discomfort that comes with it. 

No, I may not be exactly where I want to be right now. I’m HOT, physically uncomfortable, and my moods can be unpredictable. But, in the meantime, accepting and loving myself as I am NOW, and being happy with who I am NOW is imperative if I want to continue to live life to its fullest, and do what I have been put on this earth to do.

Time to do some work.

ENTER: My Dear Friend and Fellow Photographer, Mitzi Starkweather